


Not alone

by fluffbird



Series: Post-Uprising Newmann [1]
Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Possession, Autistic Hermann, CPTSD Newton, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD Newton, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, but there will be more drabbles, maybe not super obvious in this one, that take place in the same universe as this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 10:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15660930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffbird/pseuds/fluffbird
Summary: Newton has an episode. Hermann does his best to be there for him.





	Not alone

”Hey, Hermann?”

Hermann turned his head to raise an eyebrow at his fiancé, sitting next to him at the breakfast table. Newt barely ever called him by his full name – it was usually ‘Herms’ or ‘Dear’ or ‘Sugar’ or some other affectionate nickname. That dork couldn’t even hold himself back in public. In addition to that, his voice was significantly higher pitched than usual: a sign Hermann by now knew very well was a sign of an oncoming episode.

“Yes, dear?” he asked, concern tinting his voice.

It took a while for Newton to respond. He was staring off into the distance and seemed more concerned with consuming his own fingernails than finishing the cereal bowl sat in front of him, left leg bouncing anxiously and one hand tapping out a matching rhythm on the table.

“The meds aren’t working,” he said, his voice barely more than a whisper, “The therapy isn’t working, none of it is working, I can’t do this.”

It wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation. Hermann knew what was about to come.

“And I- I can’t do this man, I can’t _live_ like this. This s-shit sucks ass. I can’t do this _alone_ Hermann, I can’t!”

His breathing was becoming more agitated, and tears were starting to fall down his cheeks.

Hermann gently placed a hand on his shoulder. Newton stilled for a moment, but then leaned into the touch and Hermann took that as a sign to continue. With some effort he managed to shuffle his chair closer and put his entire arm around Newton’s back, using his other hand to gently pry his hand away from his mouth.

“Newton, darling, you’re _not_ alone. I’m here, I’m always here, you know I am.” he said, softly rubbing his fiancé’s back. He’d said it before, so many times, and he’d say it a million- nay, a billion- nay, _infinite_ times more if it could help his beloved just a little bit.

As always, thoughts were flooding Hermann’s mind, all the possible scenarios that he knew Newton’s mind could be going through. The Precursors, the… strangling incident, Tokyo, Hong Kong, the list went on. But – again, as always – he dismissed those thoughts. He couldn’t help Newton back into the present if he himself was stuck in the past.

“I- I know I’m not alone but at the same time I _am_ , it’s so quiet- _God_ , Herms, it’s so fucking _quiet_ and I hate it. I hate that I hate it and I hate that I miss it but- just- _fuck,_ I can’t do this.”

As he spoke, Newton curled into Hermann’s embrace and pressed his forehead against Hermann’s chest. Hermann proceeded to pull him closer, one hand now tightly clutching Newton’s and the other moving up to run fingers through his hair. It wasn’t his first time doing this, he knew what Newton needed right now was affection and he’d put all his normal inhibitions aside to help him long ago.

“I’m right here, Newt. I’m right here. You are _not_ alone,” he murmured, hoping his affirmations would reach through. He knew his Newton wasn’t entirely present – he’d developed layers upon layers of self-defense mechanisms since he’d been freed, another Newton who’d carry the trauma when it got too much. A common symptom of C-PTSD, the psychologists had said. He knew this other Newton was probably the one in his arms right now, but he didn’t care. He loved them both, dearly.

He held his fiancé close, continuing to whisper comforting words to him. There was nothing else he could do, but he would be damned if he gave up on chasing away the figurative demons haunting his lover’s mind. As they sat there Newton's breathing slowly evened out, his shaking ceased, and Hermann felt him relaxing in his arms. 

They would be okay. It would take time, but they would be okay.

* * *

A/N: This was whipped up really quickly and I haven't edited it yet, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. Also, important PSA, not all PTSD sufferers will react in the same way Newton does here to the same stimuli. The reason Hermann knows to go for physical comfort and what kind without asking is he's done this many,  _many_ times before in this universe and he knows Newton's tells. Do not assume that it is ok to touch someone who's having an episode if you don't know them very well and know if that's the case - which honestly it isn't with most people I know.

(My pacrim tumblr is at @autistichermanngottlieb hmu!)

 


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